Here you are,

You can't always get what you want

2006-03-18T19:25:00.001-08:00

but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.

It's just a bitch when what you need is a high volume alcoholic telling you that what you deal with is never justifiable. And you're getting old, so putting up with that shit is kinda throwing away borrowed time. It's not as okay as it passed off for before.

Sucky. Ball suckin' sucky. I wish life didn't get like that.

You can't always get what you want

2006-03-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

BORED.....

2005-12-31T09:08:00.000-08:00

ps. I also want to learn ballroom dancing. Really badly. That's where all the really cute shoes come into play. Yeah. That'll never happen with the boyfriend in the same zip code. Improving one's gracefulness is not acceptable.

Bored out of my mind this morning trying to respect other people's hangovers. By "don't drink too much cuz we 've got a long night tomorrow," I didn't mean, "stumble in at three in the morning and fall asleep on the bathroom floor." Clearly I need to work on my communication skills, and now I probably have at least until noon to figure out how. At least the dog and I will get a long walk in while the rain takes a break.

God, I hope this new year's eve doesn't suck hardcore. It's nine thirty and so far, no es bueno.

What do you do?

2005-12-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

I was recently posed this question. I know there's an answer. Well, there's really two, no three sets of answers. There is what I used like to do before. There's what I like that I get to do now. And there is what I would like to get in the habit of doing in the future.

I used to like to:

go dancing with my old friends
have movie nights
lisen to music (that I like)
do well in school
volunteer
go to shows
read for fun
the list would be longer if I been of drinking age at the time, I'm sure...

I now get to:

go camping
go to amusement parks sometimes
kick it at the beach sometimes
do at least superbowl and thanksgiving w friends at my house
watch WAY too much tv (that shouldn't be on the fun list, it's not okay.)
play with the dog
milk the crap out of Sunday NFL Ticket
get retarded much more often that I would like (subtract two total from this list)

I would like to get in the habit of:

traveling more
going shooting at the range
entertaining more
going out with the girls more, or the boys from work as the case is now
seeing movies that don't have to involve blowing something up
backpacking or hiking
going to events like motorcoss and bmxing
see some live boxing or cagefighting for that matter (any opportunity to watch people quite possibly hurt themselves really badly, but in an orderly fashion, you know?)
reading more for fun

That's all I can come up with for now. Sucks to only be able to come up with good answers for questions six hours after they're asked.

Over it.

2005-12-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

Lord almightly! I am over it. I am more over it than I have ever been, and I am certain that I will continue to become even more over it as time goes on. The feeling that the feeling was mutual has faded to bad acid wash a long time ago. Far too long ago. The worst part is having to wonder after six years of "the best years of etc" if he would even miss me if/when I wasn't around. The truth is that even if he did, he would do his very best to appear to be totally indifferent. So whether or not, the result is the same.
That hurts like a BITCH.

It doesn't matter if you care, if you insist on not showing it. Words to live by.

I am not going to devote the last two thirds of my life to proloning our version of the parents on Everybody Loves Raymond. It's a cute idea, but a horrible way to live. A fucking criminal waste of time. Two more years. Tops. Serious as a heart attack.

HAhaha. You thought I was dead!

2005-12-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not. Fooled you! In the new house. Only have a half a dozen boxes left to deal with. Night class starts in less than 4 weeks. At least it's not accounting! New job kicks some major ass. Selling beer for a living is the shiznit! Oh, and the internet service is FINALLY working. Life is getting better all the time. Now I just have to finish college, assert my independence, buy a house all by my lonesome, and I'll be all set. What's heartbreaking is that I don't know how I'm gonna take my doggy to college with me, but I have a year and a half to figure that out. A good chunk of me would die if I had to entrust the handsome puppyface to someone else for two years. Yeah, not dealing with that part of the future at the moment. I'll save that for after this holiday madness. For now, I have updated my blog more recently than Awna, and that's what's important!

Academic Leave of Absence

2005-04-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

If I don't seem to be alive and kicking until May 16th, it is because I never want to take accounting again. I have to go make sure that doesn't happen.

Long, but not Lost

2005-03-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

Just got off the phone after three hours with one of my best friends in the world. It was a great talk. Our boys weren't home, so we really got to focus on the nitty gritty of life. That's why it took so long. And after three hours, it still feels like we're interrupting the conversation to call it quits. That's what happens when your bud lives 650 miles away and you haven't gotten to hang out in person for five years. That's so horribly sad and wrong. By this Fall I'm taking at least a week and a half and devoting it to my Oregonian roots. My grandma and grandpa can have four days or so, and my Zelliebeth and my favorite little big city get the rest!!! Gotta see if I can't convert a couple more people from pop to soda while I'm there. It's a soda. Now that I'm old I can rent a car to get from Portland to the grandfolks' and hit up my aunt and cousin on the way out or back... if I can afford it.

And I will sit in the smoking section every chance I get because goddamnit! it's a free country in a few states still! I will smoke in a bar, not because I enjoy cigarettes, but because it's a bar and I can!

But back to my buddy and what qualities make a long, but not lost, friend.

Candid and unadulterated honesty. What is the point of attempting to communicate if you're not trying to communicate the whole truth?
Unconditional acceptance. Topics/opinions are only taboo if the speaker thinks that expressing them will negatively effect their level of acceptance by the other person. Real meaningful openness can only happen when that fear does not exist.
Low maintenance. This is true for both of my best friends. We don't need exposure to remain friends. The connection is already there, lying in wait for when we get a chance to share our lives. Unlike romantic relationships, real friends don't require "work."
Genuine appreciation. Of course you can't love/support the bad things about a person if you really care about them and their well-being, but appreciating the hell out of the good atributes and occasionally pointing them out comes naturally in friendship.

I'm tired; so being analytical is beginning to require effort. Please contribute to this list on the comments. Nighty night.

Touchdown!

2005-03-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Doin' the birthday touchdown dance... all weekend loooonnnnggg!!!! Gonna get a Cold Stone ice cream cake! Gonna eat french food! Had an awesome BBQ last night! Going shopping with Mami later (awww... mother-daughter shopping, our relationship at it peak of function! ;o) She's gonna buy me some expensive make up product that I could possible even consider buying myself because quality products are HIGHWAY ROBBERY! Going to watch HalfBaked because I love that movie! Gonna join the gym down the street, finally! Gonna talk to the realtor about buying a home, sweet home! Going out for a couple overpriced drinks. Most importantly, I'm gonna get lightly toasted at least three seperate times today!
I LOVE PERSONAL HOLIDAYS! HERE'S TO BIRTHDAYS! WOOOHOOO!!!!!

And to my only touchdown dance outside of football season! Twinkle toes!!

Laundry and homework...but who wants to talk about that??

ps. Thank you for the text, Awna! Miss you bunches! Write me an email cuz I don't know when our schedules will overlap. You can still lurk and email, no??

Over it!

2005-03-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

I am so over dealing with all the hardships this month has brought me. From sinus infections to my first case of athelete's foot from stupid work dress shoes. And they tell me nothing negates the pill like antibiotics! My face has been peeling for a couple solid weeks. I'm over coping! :oP My birthday better be pleasant on monday! I've got my standards set low. Just taking the day off work, but it better be a nice day off of work! or I'll...complain about it. Let's be honest. I've lost all desire to lash out and place blame when the puberty wore off. But it still makes me mad and sad when I can't figure out how to enjoy myself even when stuff doesn't work out according to plan.

I do love plans so. I can make some fun plans. But then I feel let down because half-assing through free time never lives up to my expectations. It feels like a waste.

On the upside (because there is always an upside) the plan for a promotion is solidify to one of two positions that are basically the same but for different departments, and that should happen by the end of april/beginning of may. They better hurry up or they're going to be annoyed by the quantity of letters of recommendation I will have collected by then. And I don't want to apply for a mortgage until I can put a better income on my half of the app.

On the way upside, I talked to my grandparents night before last for the first time in 5-6 years. My grandpa got on the phone and the first thing he said was "We love you a lot!" I almost cried. I'm almost crying right now. I feel so horrible about wasting these years with no phone calls and no visits, but I didn't think they cared. I am so stupid! But now I have to go visit this summer. If Mr. Man really doesn't want to come with me for whatever reason, he can seriously eat a dick cuz nothing at this point would mean more to me than being able to have a real relationship with my extended family. I just hope he's just trying to dance around some other side issue, like being afraid of flying or something.

Gotta run! Happy Patty's Day!!!!

HOMIE DONT PLAY THAT!

2005-03-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

Mr. Man's knitting circle's having friday night tv downstairs. I only hate one of his friends, and he is in my living room. His approach to life is disgusting to me AND he leaves trash all over my house and in my car whenever he's in it. What's not to like?

But I wouldn't really mind it so much if Mr Man's subconscious didn't start whispering, "This is it. This is when you should show them how a man keeps his bitch in her place. Show'em how it's done!" I swear, when Mr Lame is around, Mr Man canNOT refrain from getting all verbally pushy with me. Fuck that...but I'm being a bitch when I tell him he's being mean and he's off his rocker if he thinks he's going to get peaches'n'cream in exchange for that kind of disrespect. For all of us that remember the golden years of skit comedy with In Living Color: my friend Homie the Clown, and me, and our brick-in-sock ensembles DONT PLAY THAT!

ps. I wish I had a brick-in-sock ensemble. I'm fronting. But if anyone feels like shopping, my birthday is monday after next.

Passive Resistance

2005-03-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

The hard part about passive resistance is remaining calm. When slapped in the face with what is unquestionably, fundamentally, and intrinsically not right, it is near impossible for me to keep the exclamation points out of my protest of WTF?!?!? How can I not get angry when you deny the nature of the beast like that? Well, it's very hard. And I'm not very good at it at all. I protest and I am angry. And although anger is weakness, I have a helluva time not showing it.

Quote of the Day!

2005-02-28T22:28:00.000-08:00

"We cannot make you look like Nicole Kidman, Sir. No matter how much you wish it!"
-the old doctor on Plastic Surgery Beverly Hills

A good thing to keep in mind as you walk through life. You're never going to be Nicole Kidman.

ps. That quote just made it worth watching the whole show.

Just try to be nice.

2005-02-28T21:56:00.000-08:00

Trying to be nice. I'm always trying. But I haven't been very good at the stamina for niceness lately. I've been working in lieu of the four missing other people in our staff of nine for the better half of the month. Trying to fill for four people indefinitely was hard. That is an understatement. I think there may not be a point where you stop trying to be nice, but there is definitely a... um... I can't remember what it was called. Damn high school math... so long ago. You know e^x? I think that's it. From infinity, slopes down to greater than zero? You know! *sigh* The things I'll do in an attempt to communicate clearly. Man, I suck for making that reference (now everybody knows I'm a math-lovin' weirdo), but I think it's an effectiveness vs. length-of-effort curve like that. At this point, I feel like no matter how much I would like for the people around me to be happy, by the time I get home, there is no amount of trying that's going to make anyone happy. That's a bummer, to say the least. But it's on the way up. I get a service manager back tomorrow! I will not be completely and solely in charge anymore! Woohoo! Because that sucked. Over it completely.

Then, hopefully, coming home will be more fun, too.

Papi Day

2005-02-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

I get to see my dad tomorrow for an evening. (Can't help but point out that he will be on the west coast for one month, but I get 12 hours. Wow. Thanks?) But at least he's stopping by. I hope it's not too wierd. Got a lot of cleaning in my near future. Had to happen anyway. Just watched one of those "perfect" Wedding Stories on TLC. God. Whoever's allowed to make that show should be shot. It's like a dirty fix for girls with expectations in life. I hate that! Warp a girls mind before work?!? I hate it when I let myself watch that. Grrrr...

I love work. I can do it for three more days before a day off...I think. We'll see. But I'm completely over working with half a staff. Done with it. Three more days.

OW! Quit it!

2005-02-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

Blogs aren't letting me do anything I want these days. Won't let me make the comments I am trying to post, won't let me view certain blogs. I've wasted too much time trying until next week, which isn't that much, but this is recreational and I am easily frustrated. Trying should not be this involved with blogging, especially when I can't effect the outcome. So maybe they'll have fixed it by Sunday. Toodles!

Poop on boys.

2005-02-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

If the opportunity presents itself, ladies, I highly suggest relieving yourself on boys, or maybe in their shoes. It works well for puppies. And guys, if the shoe fits, wear it. She wouldn't have pooped there if you hadn't excessively injured every little "girl feeling" in her crushed, sloppy, bleeding mess of a heart. Most girls aren't bitter, they just care too much.

too much.

2005-02-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

Way too much going on for the rest of this month. At least one of those things is winning a spot on the ultraplush WINE TRAIN at work! Getting paid to get drunk on a train! oh, yeeaahhh! But then my dad's stopping by for a day before he posts up to his folks house in oregon to do his taxes. I tried to be offended that I get one evening of a one month stay in the country to re-bond with him, but I saw it coming from miles. It's hard to be offended when there is no amount of shock involved at all. I'll take whatever semblance of love I can get from my half-assed dad. That's okay. VDay prep calls, and work, ick. Off we go!

On the list today

2005-02-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

Today's list includes:

If I hear one of Mr. Man's ign'ant friends who haven't and won't watch any footage talking about how we'd be totally ok if a tsunami of the same proportions hit our bay...
I will attempt to remember the sound of the ocean, or better yet, the seagulls in Nemo, while I wait for their lips to stop moving.

Awna is taking a break from the rest of us to dumb it down a little in her quest for happiness and less stress. Just another time when all I get to say to someone I care about is, "Whatever makes you happy." (but will it? It won't, will it? I strongly hope it's worth it.) And while all I want is for people to be comfortable and happy with their life plans or lack there of, I can't help but feel totally inadequate as a friend. When am I ever going to figure out how to make other people happy? I'm smart. I should be able to figure out a technique of pleasing anyone I want to be happy. Working on that. But for now, I feel inadequate, and rightly so. How supportive can I be of her social strike, when from here, that includes me. It does, but it doesn't. I'd like to think I am not a burden in our friendship, but when you never know when you'll get to hang out in the same country/city/room again, how can you not feel bad? I feel bad. But I know that's not part of the goal. Oh, well. Cookies crumble.

Waiting for my morning email on what accounting topic to babble about to prep for next saturday's midterm. I hate working and going to school. Almost done. Just two more classes, and no more accounting. Brief calculus (should just be a review) and economics (hmm...) and then I will be able to be a junior at Calpoly whenever I want, right?

I feel like Veruca Salt. Don't care how, I want it now! I have got to reassert my momentum and determination. I will be twenty-four in a month and a half; so let's see what I've got going so far.

Two thousand dollars in credit card debt (I am rounding down just a touch for my own motivation. It will be accurate by next paycheck)
An AA and an AS, no need for any more GE
Six units away from eligibility to be a junior transfer student in IT at Calpoly (not counting accounting, cuz that bastard's MINE this time! Give me an A or give me death!)
No dog or dog training experience yet
I like to cook, am good at it, but the schedule doesn't allow it much
I'm not fat, but I'm not buff. Lack of routine in the exercise "routine"
I'm up being valued at 33 grand a year, will find out about upcoming career ventures by Wednesday, hopefully. Then I'll be on track to hit 40-something in a year and a half.
I love Mr. Man and he loves me, we just have a LOT to work on to be "functional"
I own no real estate
I do have the max penalty-free amount (10k) set aside for a down payment in my 401k
I have enough saved up to pay for three full years of "real college" without having to work a day if I don't think it would be to my advantage to work part time
Any money left over after school will go into a house as well
No current volunteer job
Skin's doing better than ever, no one else understands why it should be an issue, but it's my issue, and I'll quit worrying about it when I'm good'n'ready!
Along with that, strangers having issues with my having low self-esteem has kinda shaken me up lately. I have many things going for me physically, I've just been too used to the grade school kids living in my head since I got glasses in 2nd grade, that I guess I couldn't hear the people that see me now, but are those people being appreciative of a girl's beauty, or playing the shallow game? Too complicated to know how I feel about other people, but I am feeling objectively better about myself. Pretty is pretty cool.
I have never been on a cruise
I have never been to a tropical place
I have never been boarding (any kind)
I have never had an Anniversary activity
I need to get braces again (thank you, wisdom teeth. you rocked my world)
I have never been hunting (fish doesn't count unless you spear it)
I have no idea how I will finance laser eye correction in 2-3yrs
I have pursued my own interests independently of Mr. Man only once or twice in the five years we've been together. That's bad.

BUT I HAVE FORCE AND DIRECTION JUST LIKE PHYSICS AND I AM GOING PLACES! I WILL MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, AND TWO OF THOSE THINGS WILL BE MY ONGOING HAPPINESS AND FINANCIAL STABILITY. AND I AM GENUINELY PRETTY, NOT JUST FUNNY AND INTERESTING.

I AM ALL OF THE ABOVE.

SO THERE!!!!!!

Another Tuesday...

2005-02-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

Enjoy your "weekend!" Thanks, but no. I actually have some mad issues to write about re the wonderful manager that gave me "weekends" off on tuedsay, so he could sit at home with his wife and family Saturdays and Sundays all month to think of the best way to bail out on us because he can't stop stressing and internalizing the stress of the job, BUT its my "weekend!" I gotta have fun! If fun means I sleep in one of two days and spend most of the waking hours catching up on managerial accounting (works of the devil) and cleaning the perpetually messy house. This time I really got to finish that some how, since my first weekend day off since Christmas is Superbowl, and there must be a party. So stay tuned, because I fully intend my not supportive rant of selfish feelings of abandonment at work to be edited and converted to a letter. We had to stay late for a meeting last night, so he could lay the news on us. It was the funeral for the awesome team dynamic we finally got going at that place. Everyone felt obligated to make a little supportive eulogy for him at the end. I think it was pretty unnecessary. He made the whole decision behind our backs, but now we have to chime in supportive little quips? It's his decision. It's done. What else is there to say besides, "Good for you, man. Just jump the ship now that we know we can accomplish something. Let them give us another shitty manager in the infinite line of shitty managers that came before your five month productive visit. Good for you." Then they tried to prod me into adding my two cents. You can't trick me into making myself sound like the bitch! If there's one thing I've taken to heart in my lifetime of unintentionally offending people by being to direct, it's "If you can't think of anything nice to say (and it has to sound nice, too. Can't require an explanation to be nice.) For God'ssake, keep your mouth shut and smile if necessary!" Bambi was a disturbing, but Thumper taught me a good one.

I don't know. Maybe that's enough grief for the blog. Maybe I'll do that one on paper if I ever feel sufficiently prepared in *gag* accounting. WEEKENDS ROCK! (when they're real)

Mammal support

2005-01-25T11:29:00.000-08:00

Someone shoot me if I ever have kids and no pets. Someone shoot me if I don't get to adopt a furry baby in the next year. Thanks in advance!

That's one thing I don't think I'll ever forgive my mom for. Her and her crazy quest to pave the world. No animals or real plants. They're DIRTY. Life is dirty, and I want to live it. I am deprived. It wouldn't be so hard to get through awkward early twenties living conditions w/0 a pet if I haven't already waited twenty-four years, A QUARTER OF A CENTURY, MORE THAN 25% OF MY LIFE EXPECTANCY to get a fucking dog! Why am I not entitled like everyone else?!? It makes me so sad and tired.

I love our baby lizards (they're not babies, just my babies.) but I desperately yearn for a fuzzy to love and pet and cuddle watching tv and to walk with and play with. I'm torn about my quest to volunteer at the shelter, because if my self control held out, which it usually does, it would be awesome to walk homeless dogs once or twice a week, but this particular test of will has been going on my whole life, and I am really suspicious that I will not be able to stop myself to bring someone home with me. Iwaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaa.... But I know that would not go down well if I did. The Man already had a dog at his mom's in high school; so he's not squirming for unconditional fuzzy love. He has no problem waiting another couple of years til we can swing a real house to live in. But all our neighbors in this townhouseland we live in look SO HAPPY with their dogs, and there's a big chunk of park grass to play in right at the end of our driveway before you even get to the street. AHHH!!!

So what do I do? Am I setting myself up to fail by volunteering, or will it be just the outlet I need? Playing with fire. That's the long and short of it. Suggestions? Anyone? Anyone?

Why guys really want sluts and bimbos

2005-01-24T06:39:00.000-08:00

New theory. (based almost entirely on my own man) Guys always bitch about how every girl's probably a slut, etc, etc, and not trustworthy, etc, because it's easier to adopt a defensive, woman-hating attitude/approach than it is to be open and therefore emotionally vulnerable. But I have been lead to believe that even the guys that end up with "good" dedicated girls deep down wish their girlfriend would eventually turn out to be deceitful or manipulative, etc. and fuck them over, so they can reassert their justification for the he-man woman-haters club.

Questions? comments? Please? I'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to understand guys' attitude towards girls and why they gotta make the good girls feel bad about being good by uncontrollably staring or commenting on every easy looking on the planet. Ladies, when was the last time you were at a public location with guy friends and they said, "check out that chick, she seems pretty, nice, down to earth, and not into hooking up with a different guy at every party." Never. Usually it's somewhere along the lines of..."TITS...." and the comments will rush downhill in integrity from there, even when the rest of that sentence most times should have been..."look brand new. I wonder how much those cost. Do you think she's a through-the-nipple, under-the-muscle, or all-the-way-up-from-the-bellybutton kind of girl?"

In response to an earlier question, I would have to guess that the Man would be better off having a girl if he only had one hypothetical child for two reasons. Loving his baby girl to death is probably the only chance he has of getting past his belittling and disrespecting women phase because most fathers believe that their daughters deserve respect. I also can't help considering the child's sake in making the guess. If he didn't get past the lack of respect and support of women thing, the girl would be psychologically screwed for sure, but if he had a boy, he would be way too happy to teach him the art of being the largest pain in the ass, and how to get away with compromising morals, ethics, and principals just for the sake of the joy that getting away with unnecessary evils brings him. I don't know if I or the rest of the world could handle two cute demon babies, even though one's all grown up already. Plus, I have hope that he would be a really involved dad to a girl. Lots of fishing, camping, sports, that sort of thing. Seems to me like he would rely more heavily on character-building activities with a girl, where as with a boy, he would instantly and permanenty revert to his evil, cute six year old satan self, and stick to demoralizing activities as often as possible. With a boy, he would feel obligated to leave his mark on the world by leaving us with the biggest pain in the ass he can mold out of a boy in 18 years. He's already had 23 yrs of experience in that field. That scares me now that I've put some thought into it. Thanks, Awna. Any more disturbing things you want me to ponder? ;P

PRODUCTIVITY

2005-01-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

Taxes, fluffing up accounting comments for ye good olde online class, and getting "ready for the guest" although I have very little idea of what that last part entails. I've put some thought into it since The Man has brought it to my attention several times in the past day or two. The futon's still pulled out from last time, so I'm a little confused as to what the hell he meant by that. But I'm sure I'll find out the error of my ways in due coarse, when I'm deemed a horrible person for my lack of "preparation," and then hopefully I'll know better next time. I'm working on a theory that a long term relationship is really comprised of caring for/about a person so much that you're willing to stick it out through the trial and error process of what bugs, angers, hurts, etc the person you love, and doing your darnedest to not contribute to the negative and to contribute as much as possible to the positive experiences in their life as they experience it. And that's all I'm trying to do in concern to that arena of life. But anyway... I'm off like a prom dress! (Not mine, of course, but SO MANY prom dresses in this county, the phrase bears repeating)

Haven't in a while

2005-01-15T20:04:00.000-08:00

I'm really tired of not fixing things for myself. I'm tired of my lack of self-esteem forcing me to codependency. Can't take care of just myself, because I, myself am not worth taking care of. I have to have someone to take care of in order to fit me in edgewise. I gotta lump my basic needs into someone else's in order to get them on my list of things to do.
I really hate that about myself. Opinionated I am. Truly independent, I ain't. A crying shame. I am happy to fight anyone's battles except my own. And since I don't have a like-minded codependent counterpart, I can't even pass it off as "healthy enough" because really, at the end of every day, no matter who I take care of, no one is taking care of me, including me! For example, I haven't eaten more than a cup of yogurt's worth of calories per day since thursday. Today's been peanut butter cups and water. I am sick from simple sugars and water, and it's almost sunday for god's sake! Just because I didn't have to feed anyone else, and I'm waiting like the catatonic for someone to care about me a couple times a day. That is what's so wrong with me! And right now! I don't even care about myself enough for this to really make me pissed off at myself. I'm just using exclamation points because I ought to be really angry about my irresponsibility and lack of commitment to my physical existance. What is my fucking damage?!? Maybe I'm just too weak from malnutrition to get angry. I'm gonna go eat, and then, hopefully I'll let myself have it for being so lame. I should know better than to be so lame! I do know better! I'm writing so right now! I should know enough to do something about it! Why can't I ever do something about it! Goddamn!....I should expect more from myself.

I am thrilled.

2005-01-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

One of my new year's resolutions is to keep in touch, and get aquainted with my extended family that my immediate family dodged while I was growing up due to a "keep the problems in the house" policy. So far I've found out that my uncle in d.c. would love a visit, and my grandma misses me. Who knew? I never would have, if I hadn't bothered to ask. It warms my heart like I can't explain. All I've ever wanted, and all I will ever really want in life is family. I hope not too much in my life ever gets in the way of that.

God Saves Those That Save Themselves

2005-01-09T17:44:00.000-08:00

I can't imagine saving myself from the most dangerous element in my life for at least a few years, and that fact fills my heart with a desperate fear. Believe it a or not, a depth of fear that was until recently unfamiliar, even to me. Breaking new ground every day, but hopefully not with my face.

I got a plan (yes, ANOTHER plan)

2005-01-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

TV finally helps! I can't pay for the gym membership til I recoupe from christmas spending. it's freezing-ass cold (or ass freezing, either way) outside still. But there's this crazy invention called fitTV. While cardio workouts are embarassing at best, they are least embarassing if no one can see you. It's just embarassing to admit it. And it beat my ass til the shows got way too coordinated for me to follow. A productive guilty pleasure, love those! I'm so pathetically out of shape. I wish I had a job that didn't require me to sit the whole time. Not good for you.

I also have to get a planner and use it on a daily basis. Do those go on sale in January like calendars? Hope so. I gotta cut back on the inordinate amount of time I let slip by every day. Wasting time is not a virtue. I know it's not. I just have to start acting like it, instead of merely scolding myself for sitting around doing nothing so much of the time. Life's so short, there's not that much time to waste.

For example, right now I gotta pee like the dickens, and then concentrate on getting ready for work. And if it's not raining, I'm gonna walk at lunch before my legs atrophy and I have to get them removed! Carpel tunnel from work is bad enough!

Off I go!

Quickie

2005-01-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

Quickie's fill an important need. Don't knock the quickie's...unless it's this one.
Question of the day: Would you rather be cheated on with your other going for the gender you are or the opposite and why? Just curious. I think I would prefer it to be the opposite, just because although the idea of my man with a man is revolting to me and most guys I know (he's pretty caveman) the absurd humor involved would help make the situation less hurtful.

I gotta go make the best of my "weekend." Free time will soon be extinct, not just endangered. Damn weekdays off...

Lazy, sick, and/or paranoid

2004-12-29T08:47:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to figure out what the real reason is for my lack of new posts in over a week. Quite honestly, I think it's because I don't want to become a total addict, especially considering how tempting it will be to wander over to blogs once my (hopefully last) online accounting class starts, instead of working my ass off with a subject that makes my skin crawl. That will be a test for sure. I just hope I can manage to turn back into the terminator because really the most important thing is that I don't ever want to take this class again. Ever, ever, ever! And if I let myself lose sight of that this time around, me, myself, and I will have to have a serious chat about being a real pussy, and I don't think it will be pretty. Sorry to bother you guys with this part, but I'd rather beat the importance of an A in this class into my head sooner than later. Done and done!

I've also started hacking up chunks of something that looks a lot like brains. Mmmm... Pretty foul, and I'll be disappointed if i don't kick this thing in the next 48 hours. It's sad to accept that your too sick to participate on party holidays like New Years and Superbowl. I'm not sure, but I think last year I was sick for both. I've almost caught something from the sickly folks a work three times this year, but didn't. Where's my immune system now that it counts? Probably on Christmas vacation.

I'm really concerned about the blurriness of "my plan" for the next couple years. I'm not used to not having very definite plans for my immediate (1-2yr) future. That lack of definition, and the fact that it will remain fairly undefined for at least three more months is really freakin' me out on the inside. I'm not totally psychologically dependent on feeling in control of my life. No! What on earth would give you that idea? Uncertainty making a "tough as nails" grown woman/girl/whatever squirm? Embarassing, a little humiliating, but terribly true. I just gotta hold my breath til April when I have all my employment options open, and I guess it will all become clear then. And at least I am certain I'll be GETTING THE HELL OUT OF RETAIL BANKING!! AHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm not a slave, I'm just an indensured servant! (haven't had to write that word since 5th grade history class. Dont remember how to spell it. indentured? like the dentist? dunno...) I'm trying hard to find solace in the fact that whatever my life is like next year, it will be more fun in general than it is now. That will have to be specific enough for now.

I feel bad bacuse I can't think of anything really epic or interesting to write about at the moment. Oh! I take it back. I just saw a guy bitch about his prissy girlfriend complaining how food in thailand is "gross" and that he shouldn't eat it while they're there. Keep it to yourself and appreciate other people's cultures, he says. Guys that can't stand close-minded disrespect- even from their cute, blonde, pink tubetop slingin' girlfriends! *sigh* I can dream about straight boys that respect people who are different from themeselves because they are different and being different takes balls. Reasons to be hopeful are everywhere. Thank goodness, cuz sometimes I feel like I really might be full of shit when I'm trying to convince myself and others to remain determined and reasonably optimistic.

Loves 'n' Hugs to everybody!

Probably won't get online til "next year" so if you're reading this, and even if you're not, I hope your New Year's Eve and new year kick major ass all over the place.

apology offered

2004-12-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the crazy teal post. I didn't want to waste the color option, but they don't have a bunch of text-appropriate colors to offer. Won't happen again!

Now it's time to scape up some evidence indicating that I did not piss away my first day of vacation, contrary to popular belief. (it felt good, and I'd do it again!) Cleaning supplies, here I come!!

Oi to the world

2004-12-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

Hope for everyone. I hope. My non-vacation has begun. The only vacationy part that I'm totally getting a kick out of is that since I'm not spending any money going anywhere, I can justify partying like a rock star at home! Actually, I'm just impulse-buying and eating out a lot this week. But everyone's got their presents purchased, so I am free to visualize my vacation. At least that's the way I'm choosing to figure it. Also good because Kat and my brother are both in town this week, and I WANNA GO DO FUN STUFF WITH THEM! Gotta bring up my average with those two. And if I play my cards right, I can have that fun little day-o-culture in SF for a very reasonable price and hassle. God bless the rich clients at my company for having the good sense to donate to MOMA and getting me two free passes for christmas. Woohoo!

I think next year will be time for a holiday in warmer climates. or colder climates. Snow or palm trees would both be fun and exciting. For now, A happy champaign season to everyone!!!

Tis the season

2004-12-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

It's that magical time of year where it begins to become painfully obvious how easy it would be for us to make our lives more pleasant to go through by trying a little bit to be nice to everyone else that you meet in life. Everyone's just trying to get by. We're all on the same team. What if we all dropped a dollar at the salvation army once a month? What if there was a giving tree all year for poor kids' birthdays, christmases, doctor's visits, etc.? I'm just bummed out that we all can't try to be decent to each other more often.

Christmas list

2004-12-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get a little wish list out just for fun. Only one person I know reads this, so I don't have to feel like I really am asking for stuff. I just like to think of things I would like to have, you know? It makes me smile and doesn't do real damage. Let's put it this way, I catalog shop just to feel like I could have the stuff that I like without turning into one of those insane girls at work with over three grand of credit card debt on clothes and accessories. And I don't have to be surrounded by purchasers while painfully and diligently putting everything I picked back on the hanger. Oh! the only thing I'm really asking for here is MORE PICTURES, PLEASE!! I say a big girl that was the same age as the choo when you moved and I wanted to cry! I miss you guys so much!! I want family photos for christmas! that is all.

Wish List:
-isotoner stretch leather gloves
-straight, functioning headlights
-window tint
-earrings
-party dress
-a dressy date with lots of cultcha including: the Roy Litchenstein exibit, seafood from the bay, a performing art event, and dinner at that Peruvian place "Fresca", oh, and dancing! I would die to go on a date in a dress with dancing!!!
-professional massage
-crock pot for sloooow cooking!
-Mary Poppins dvd box set
-fooseball table
-art books
-a dog
-digital camera
-christmas decorations
-a little romance next year

that's all I can think of. Gotta go catch up on day off duties!

Buenos Dias, and many more!

2004-11-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

Let's see if I have time for a new hobby, or for bringing a very old hobby back. I don't know how crazy comfortable I am about having it on the web, but it's probably safer here than in my house. No personal insights or observations today. Must go do stuff. But lots of luvs and hugs to my darling droogies and hunnybunnies, as always! Oh, and that tingling sensation? That's a good thing. ;o)